Knowing myself

Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom. Aristotle

Knowing others is wisdom. Knowing yourself is enlightment. Lao Tzu

Knowing myself has always been one of my most earnest aspiration. Knowing what I believe in, why I believe in it, knowing my strengths (I admit I often minimize that one), my weaknesses. Learning to recognize the feelings I get, listening to myself, recognizing what I feel, Is it fear? Is it guilt? Is it hurt-pride? Is it love? Is it inspiration? How can I be sure?

Recently I've realized that people who care about me, knew little about me. They were worried about me, when I just wanted them to trust me, trust that I was strong even when I didn't show it. Maybe I shouldn't say they know little about me, after all they had good reasons to be worried even if they knew me. I would be worried too if a friend or family member went through what I'm going through, and talked as little as I do : ). As a Mom, I know how hard it is to see someone you love suffer, possibly harder than suffering it yourself. 

I am not an intellectual, putting words on my thoughts is a painful process, but I see people worry for me and I want them to know I'm as ok as it's possible to be in this situation. I struggle, but life goes on. I appreciate all the love and support I've received, I couldn't have made it without it (and I still can't). I've shared my journal with some friends and family members when I didn't feel like re-explaining my mental state and I've realized it reassured them a lot. This is kind of the reasoning behind this post. And also because life must go on; I want to get back into my habits of posting pictures of my boys, and journaling our everyday activities and it would be weird to do it without a transition. 

It's been a month since Rex left. I have done a lot of introspection since. What do I believe in? Could I stop believing it if it meant saving my marriage? Could we have continued living the way we were living since he left the church? Is this the only reason he left? What could I have done differently? This list will probably appear random, but it summarizes some of the result of that introspection, and basically it's just thoughts on who I believe I am (or who I want to be, which I kinda think is the same):

- I need to feel loved more than I need a roof over my head and a stable situation.
- Giving people the benefit of the doubt is more important for me than being right about them.
- I expect a lot (read too much) from people I care about.

- I believe love is a choice and relationships require work.

- I don't like extremes.

- Cynicism is one of my defense mechanisms.
- I believe often when people disagree, they actually mean the same thing, they just have different ways of expressing it.
- I do not hold grudges very long.
- I understand why the gift of free agency is so central to God's plan and an amazing proof of His love for us (but boy is it a hard lesson to learn!).
- I believe love is trust, and trust is love.
- I am a hopeful person.
- I know that what I think I understand today, I will realize I don't understand tomorrow, but I believe God understands everything and someday I will too.
- I believe faith needs to be nourished daily. 
- Mormonism makes sense to me and it makes me happy, but that's not why I believe in it. I believe in God because he answers my prayers and I have felt an overwhelming feeling of peace when I prayed numerous times. I have felt the same thing reading the Book of Mormon and praying about Joseph Smith's vision.

- I am a child of God with a great potential

I have been reading a lot about trials, faith, truth and hope lately. Here's a compilation of things that have inspired me (there's a lot more and I want to thank all the people who have sent quotes, poems, songs and inspiring words to me):

“However good we are, however correctly we seek to lead our lives, tragedies do occur. We can blame others, look for justification, imagine how our lives would have been different without them. But none of that matters: they have happened, and that is that. From this point on, it is necessary that we review our own lives, overcome fear, and begin the process of reconstruction.” 
― Paulo Coelho, Warrior of the Light

"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundred fold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." - Elder Robert D. Hales

I'm a hopeful person, and I want to continue being a hopeful person. I believe there is good and bad in everybody, including me, but the good is what I want to focus on.

PS: Lastly I want to tell Aristotle and Lao Tzu I think they missed the point. Knowing yourself might be wisdom and enlightenment but being yourself is what's really important. The only interest in knowing yourself is helping you be your best self. 

PPS: I do believe I will get through this, but it doesn't mean I have... so don't be surprised if you find me crying in the bathroom tomorrow...